i love both you and the german language way too much
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Mittwoch, Dezember 31, 2003
so I was in the car with brian and patrick and patrick's friend kate the other day and I said something about cty and she said 'cty? where did you go to cty?' and I said 'skidmore and then lancaster (isnt it funny how i name them differently, btw?), why?' and so she said 'oh, i have a bunch of friends who went to cty skidmore, but they'd be older than you...' and so I said, 'yeah they would...' and THEN she said 'yeah, lee kai is my card-playing buddy.' and so IIII said, 'Lee kai!!?!? as in 'free lee kai!' I didnt actually know him, but I played mau with him one time...he was something of a celebrity! I can't believe you know...' and so she said 'yeah, lee kai...john good...rick barry...' and so I just said 'wow' or something of the sort, because it was really weird and cool that this random girlfriend of patrick's was friends with all those kids who were, like, my heroes when I was a first year, the people who first gave me an example of cty-spiffiness. *nostalgic sigh* meine gute, I remember going to the mau daily because cara (I think it was) convinced me it would be fun, and being put into the 'people who have no idea what's going on' game and being told that lee kai was going to be dealing for us and thinking 'ohhh, so that's lee kai'. light, i remember the signs all over campus the year before that, and not knowing exactly what they meant, and finding out from various kids and finally from jane on my hall...and the jon good loves you signs that year...*sigh* and then being at activities my second year and hearing him respond 'loves you' at attendence and having that same celebrity recognition moment...I loved the signs, though. I think I scratched 'john good loves you' into a desk at school, once, because I think it's just the greatest concept, and definitely one of the greatest ra('s)sk. ahh this has been an interesting few minutes of nostalgia *happy/sad sigh* I still can't help wondering what would've happened had I stayed there, though I do know, significantly, that I never would've gone to lancaster, and that would never have done. *sigh* again...life is a strange thing, beloveds, and I think I like it.
7:00 PM
Dienstag, Dezember 30, 2003
I'm starting to feel reasonably human again, which is nice, but it's kind of lonely being with friends when you have to sit alone in a corner so as not to infect anyone. *forlorn-face* ahh well i would shun me too. I dont know what's going to become of all my homework, or my track season now that I think about it, after all this annoyance...*sings everything's all right from JCS to calm herself down* I actually used that song as a sort of mantra for a while earlier in the year. strange, innit? It kind of helps, though.
Is priya on vacation? I need to talk to that girl in the worst way. maybe if i called her...yeah, that should work *is a huge tool* *shrug*I guess being the ghettoest white girls in westport connecticut isn't all rob sobelman and I have in common (*is an even bigger tool for making rob-sobleman-is-a-tool-jokes when she doesnt even know the kid*)
other than that, life goes pretty well *happiness* I think I'll go be under the comforter in the library, that being a truly wonderful and warm place to be. all of my problems seem to arise when I get out of bed...*sillyness*
10:08 PM
Sonntag, Dezember 28, 2003
I think it's time to bask in the irony of people asking me for romantic advice when I so clearly have less than no experience on which to base such advice...*sigh* silly people. I love you anyway, though.
I have something of a cold, right now, and I'm noticing anew the way being sick tends to put me in a generalized-love, outwardly-focused-yet-contemplative (trust me that hyphenated monster made sense. really.), hug-craving kind of a mood (not that i don't live in a perpetual state of hug-craving-ness). being mildly sick and physically uncomfortable makes me quite content, internally. isn't that strange?
I am also in love with the pj pants i bought with mary jane's christmas money. I think i should go back to old navy and buy them in every color and never wear any other garment (nah...i could never live without my beloved skirts...or the turquoise-topped track pants from westport workout wear...or even my really comfy jeans on occasion...but an interesting/nice fantasy it is, at any rate...they're really soft and comfy-tastic). I also love the ridiculous number of cute socks. and the hello kitty underwear. you heard me, hello kitty underwear. at least i refrained from getting the ones with the giant felt (or similar) bow attatched to the ass...not sure how they expect anyone to actually wear those. I almost bought the hello kitty folding stool before i remembered that my room is an enourmous hell-hole of crap and that buying another chair for it would just be silly.
10:24 PM
Samstag, Dezember 27, 2003
hmmm. interesting talk with daddy about the stock market. It kind of seems like he may have the right idea, making money his business becasue it sort of disarms it and makes it less terrifying and confusing. Not that I think I want to do that kind of work in my life, but it its appealing for the reason that everyone has to deal with money and it's probably easier to do so if you're all practiced at it and such. I really am afraid of having to be an adult and manage a financial life...I've always assumed that I'll have daddy invest for me and help me with all things related to my money, if/when I actually have some, but he won't be able to forever and I wonder what'll become of me then. This is all tied in with conversations I've had with several people about the fact that I suspect I may not have a lot of money when I grow up and that kind of scares me. What daddy does is interesting but not something I'd want to give my life to...I dunno. Nearly everyone expects to be poor early in life, it seems to me, to live in a really small apartment somewhere when youre first out on your own and to be living from paycheck to paycheck...that doesnt scare me or worry me at all, and seems natural and even desirable...the thing that kind of freaks me out, I guess, is the thought of having kids who'd live so differently from the way we all do. Like, not being able to (choosing not to?) live in a town like westport, not being able to send them to camps and things all the time or buy them running shoes or instruments or computers. I was discussing this with Allison, the other day, and a great example of this was Ms. Punsheon (sp??) asking us if we fought with our siblings over computers, tvs, and cars, and we're all sitting their thinking 'but we each have our OWN computer, tv and car...' obviously that's a slightly exaggerated illustration, cuz its not exactly true for everyone in westport or throughout all of my family's history, and because the thought of my kids not having their own cars isnt really what scares me, but I think you'll get my point...It not that my parents have given me all kinds of extravagant things or spoiled me throughout my childhood or never taught me how to turn off the lights and buy store brands (a whole lot more than a lot of people do, I think), but it's still weird to think about not providing for my potential future kids all of the things that my parents have provided for me...maybe like i'm comfortable choosing a less monetarily rewarding career for myself but feel weird choosing that for other potential future people (tee hee)? I dunno. the future is weird to think about, and I feel kind of sorry that dad didn't get a financially interested child, but, hey, he got a runner and he should be dang thankful.
2:46 PM
Donnerstag, Dezember 25, 2003
heh. well, I guess I got my hysterical crying done for the day. Family gatherings'll do that to you... :D
11:56 AM
oooh *childlike excitement* have received big vegan chocolate santa, sewing machine, sewing table and dressmaker's sheers, cute little lap-timing sports watch, bed bed bed, "multiple choice correspondence" (hysterically funny book from patrick), pretty fleece blanket that folds up into a pouch for easy carrying or use as a pillow, hp5 on cd, orchestral recording of jesus christ superstar (for skating use) ornament with a baby picture of me (cuz i felt unloved that the boys both had them and I didnt, heart rate monitor/distance tracker thingy (looks complicated but cool), new running log, splash guards for my nalgene(s if i ever find the red one), ice scraper for my car, and some read and green-bottled sparkling grape juices. (now I feel like such a wasteful affluent american. what would dr. luthar say (that I'm a miserable bunch of kid??)) (no actually screw that I feel like a happy little kid on christmas morning!) and everyone loved the things I got them, except maybe daddy and the wool shirt, and brian and the socks, but you've gotta miss a few times, haven't you? I hope all my dear santa kids had a good morning *thinks nostalgically about what it's like to be a really little kid at christmas*. anyway. aunt margaret and Christmas dinner still to come! I heart this holiday.
[edit] add to that a cameo (never owned one of these and am quite enamored of it) and a coach cahnge purse from aunt margaret. Not really sure what to do with the change purse. I feel like such a westporter, but then again I am one. [/edit]
10:36 AM
ps *contented sigh*
10:36 AM
Dienstag, Dezember 23, 2003
I tried to come up with a yet scarier voicemail message for my phone and failed (I decided the one about killing erin and her family would be a bit too misinterpretable), so I just sang part of dr. worm into the phone. we'll see if this finally meets with approval.
6:39 PM
Montag, Dezember 22, 2003
well that was ein bisschen confusing.
3:08 AM
Samstag, Dezember 20, 2003
I want teddy back. I'm kind of almost considering asking bono when he's in a weird state, but I'm terrified of what would happen if it backfired. But I really want my teddy back *starts to cry a little bit*. a lot.
11:27 PM
Freitag, Dezember 19, 2003
Dear Heather,
I don't know if you read this or how often you do, but I'm going to address you like this in the second person, mainly because I don't want it to feel like I'm gossiping about you or something stupid like that. Once I've said all this in a potentially-to-you way, I'm hoping I'll be able to talk to you directly, if you dont read this first, so that I'm not keeping secrets from you about you. *sigh* I guess that was really just me justifying what I'm doing so I don't feel bad. You can be mad at me if you like. I'm not sure who else reads this, so I hope you dont feel like I'm giving away your secrets...you've never seemed even to want to pretend you want privacy, though, and I dont think many read this who don't read your own blog (except those who have no idea who you are), so I have a feeling, and I hope, that I'm not hurting you. Anyway. Was I saying something? oh. basically this is a "what do you want from me" kind of a letter. I think you may have gotten this stuff from your friends a lot and I don't want you to feel bad or to think that I'm saying I or any of your friends don't care about/want to hear about what's going on with you, but you really leave me wondering what you're trying to get me to do. See, Heather, you confuse the hell out of me. And you worry me a lot of the time, too. You've recently written a 'keep your noses out of my business, don't worry about me so much' entry in your blog, but I don't see how you can expect me to do anything but worry. You frequently talk to me about being depressed, and about your various 'bad habits', and even joke about them often. what do you want me to do, if not to worry (I'm not asking this rhetorically--I really want to know what you're hoping to gain from the things you say, and how I could be most helpful to you/how you would most like for me to respond.)? All of the cutters' websites we've been looking at for health seem to have lists of good and bad friend reactions, but I dont feel like i'm doing either...I just try to make some gesture of sympathyand then we move on or you make light of whatever problem or something.
Okay now I'm going to get a little bit angry, because sometimes you really put the people who love you through hell, and you haven't offered us a clear way out. You say you want to kill yourself, sometimes you say you're GOING to kill yourself (maybe not as seriously, but, Heather, WHO IS TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE!?!?!?) and you talk seriously and sometimes in great detail about how life is paniful and not worth itself, and how no one would miss you if you did it (I'm not going to ask how you can think this because you've surely already been told by a thousand people how hurt they would be and I trust it's had any affect it's going to have on you, for now). Then, when people worry about you, you either get annoyed or tell them that they should know you could never do that, but again HOW??? maybe I dont know you well enough, as you indicate, but if this is all just your twisted musings, why are you sharing them with the wider, less-understanding-enabled world, inviting us to misinterpret you out of concern? When you keep talking like this over time I build up a tolerance to it and kind of stop taking you seriously, but every time you say something about suicide it gives me (and others I've talked to) this intense feeling of dread, of 'what if heather is actually serious this time and i dont do anything and...' it is so scary. I don't know if you do that to us on purpose, but its an awful experience and it's too taxing to keep up for long. these problems you keep telling us about are typically the kinds of things people fight to keep secret. I'd think it's so much better to tell people about them, but I think people expect you to share them as a step to trying to deal with/recover from them, not to tell everyone and then continue on as you are, and become angry when people try to get you help, as they see 'help'.
Well the world has changed ever-so -slightly since I wrote that, so instead of editing it I'm going to say that I am impressed with you for the steps I've been finding out youve been taking to (knock on wood) figure this stuff out. I still dont understand you (i dont understand you (sorry couldnt help myself...listen to tmbg!! and not just when you're in my car!!!)), and I would still definitely like to know what I can do to be most helpful/least hurtful to you, and I still want you to know how some of the things you do/have done can affect me, but it's great to feel like some of the burden of being your sole counselors or some of the responsibility to try to secure your well-being has been lifted off of us poor teenage slobs. *hug* I think you may be about to read this (didnt you ask me about it in the library today, or something?), and if you don't i'll probably send it to you soon, so tell me if you want me to take it down or anything.
loving you,
maggie
11:47 PM
I wonder if I've had more tendonitises or lost nalgenes...*ponders*
12:22 AM
Donnerstag, Dezember 18, 2003
so apparently theres a tendon that runs along the bottom of your foot, right where your plantar fascia are. just when i thought i had run out of tendonitises...*sigh* cross your fingers for mein fuss.
5:46 PM
Mittwoch, Dezember 17, 2003
ARGH i had another little aim miscommunication moment at its driving me mad as usual. take control of yourself, darling, youre not hateful, hated, and incapable of communication. really. i would know. good news we know have preliminary copies of our college transcripts so we can finally fulfill some erin's mom 'jokes'. oh, and my german fairy tale is marvelous.
Es war einmal ein Junge, der keine Augenwimper hatte. Die kleine Prinzess des Lands ging zu ihm und fragte, “warum hast du keine augenwimper?�
Der Junge sagte, “Ich weiss nicht. Vielleicht, wenn Sie meiner Mutter fragen, werd sie wissen.�
Und so fragte die Prinzess seiner Mutter, aber die Mutter hatte nicht, dass ihr Sonn keine Augenwimper hatte, ge-noticed.
Dann fragte die Prinzess dem Vater des Junges die selbe Frage, “Warum hat Ihren Sonn keine Augenwimper?� Aber der Vater sagte, dass er nicht wusste.
So ging die Prinzess zu den Nachbarn des Junges. Sie mochte den Nachbarn fragen, aber die Nachbar ganz fiendlich waren, und yell-ten, “Weg, mädchen! Geh, und komm nie zuruck!�
In ihrem Leben hatte niemann zur Prinzess so ge-yelled. Sie war confused, angry, und müde, und fangen sie zu wienen an.
Dann sah die Prinzesslein den Junge und seinen Hund, unterwegs zwischen dem Haus und der Schule. Sie weinte zum Hund, “Warum hat er keine augen wimper!? Warum!?!?� Aber der Hund hilfte nicht viel.
Später kammen die Klassemkameraden von dem Junge ohne augenwimper. Die Prinzess fragte ihm ihre Frage, aber die Klassenkameradin sagten, “Werüber spechen Sie, Prinzess? Fragen Sie besser den Lehrern.�
Die Prinzesschen ging zur Schule und fragte den Lehren, “Warum hat der Junge ohne Augenwimper keine Augenwimper?�
Die Lehrer antworteten, “er hat keine augenwimper weil er zu viele tounges hat!� Die Prinzess wusste, dass die Lehrer ganz intelligente Leute waren, und sie glaubte ihnen.
Dann kamm der Jäger und totete die fiendliche Nachbar, und Alle waren froh.
still a few english words in there...ich muss meine worterbuch finden.
11:33 PM
Dienstag, Dezember 16, 2003
http://www.smalltime.com/dictator.html
Well, I win this round. You are player number 126 to pick Lenny from Lizzie Miguire, and what a clever choice it was! You almost had me for a while, but you let your guard down. Don't worry, it happens to all of us sooner or later. Please play again, and next time I'll be ready for you, Lenny from Lizzie Miguire.
Well, I win this round. You are player number 40 to pick Ruby from Felicity, and what a clever choice it was! You almost had me for a while, but you let your guard down. Don't worry, it happens to all of us sooner or later. Please play again, and next time I'll be ready for you, Ruby from Felicity.
I win again! You are player number 1505 to have chosen Danny from Full House. I knew you were Danny from Full House from the start, but I strung you along for a while to make it seem more sporting. I hope that one day you will overcome the powerful sense of humiliation that you now feel. Until then, good luck.
Well, I win this round. You are player number 14 to pick Professor Frink from The Simpsons, and what a clever choice it was! You almost had me for a while, but you let your guard down. Don't worry, it happens to all of us sooner or later. Please play again, and next time I'll be ready for you, Professor Frink from The Simpsons.
dude, the thing is really good...and my life is sad. ah well *grin* ich liebe euch.
11:26 PM
Montag, Dezember 15, 2003
didnt go to school today. I got some stuff done but not a lot. I seriously have way more work than there is time between now and vacation, and probably even between now and the end of vacation. i should get my knitting club stuff together for tomorrow night...*shrug* i definitely would like for us to become a club. I would also like for there to be a bloody snow day already but that's looking improbable. I wish I had run today... *feels intensely guilty* I'm gonna feel worse when i go to practice tomorrow and everyone asks where i was and if i say 'in bed..i felt awful' which is true but also a lie, i'll feel bad, and if i say 'at home because i had too much work i'll feel like im understating it so that it doesnt make any sense and like the freshwomen'll have a lowered impression of the intensity we want them to have. *sigh* i'm such a bad role model. i'm trying. i guess i'm just not very good at this kind of life...must think of a way to avoid it in adulthood. dude i just ripped the holes in the neck of my purple turntleneck wide open, rendering it unwearable, without thinking about what i was doing. woops. silly porsa. (and yes, I am claiming to be porsa. sue me, if youre reading this, porsa supporters).
I'd really better get a party together before the rollover presents get lost or something. mom advised me (half in jest) yesterday to start planning now for a really nice eighteenth birthday party. i refuse. i will have this sweet 16 whether or not i turn 17 before it happens *growl*. the newest idea is renting out the rink at longshore....its advantages over semi-formal lazer tag being that we wouldnt have to get a bus or anything, that the activity part of the party would probably last longer, that the eating accomadations would surely be less greasy, and that no one would have to whine about running in heels...the disadvantages being that it's just not as cool. I suppose we could get dressed up to go skating, which would make christina happy (maybe i should give out muffs as party favors?)...nah, lazer tag still beats it up and down. I wonder how having it at longshore would change the people i'd want to invite. hmmmm. ahh well. I've wasted more than enough potential sleeping/researching time inflicting my party decision-making (if it can really be called so) on you. sorry :). gute nacht, meine sorgen.
11:35 PM
feeling pretty unhappy. overwhelmed/lonely, i guess...dunno what to do about it, though.
1:01 AM
Sonntag, Dezember 14, 2003
boys are funny (throw rocks at them? tee hee (ooh, come thou, let us fling mud at her)). Theyre funny in that they dont tell each other stuff like girls do, and in that they never seem to realize the degree to which girls DO tell each other stuff. like, even though its a common stereotype and well known on an intellectual level by all males, i would think, they're always still surprised at the way information spreads. I confess that I've made the opposite mistake, though, and assumed that a guy's friends would have at least some idea of stuff that had gone on with him. I do think, though, as aurelia says, that some of the stability of the world relies on boys not figuring this business out. so hush. (hush. hush. hush. huuuuuuuuuuush. let's be quiet as a mouse and build a lovely little house for wendy. all for wendy. she's come to stay and be our mother! it's nice to have a mother!)
9:22 PM
I'm having some extended cty-pain for the first time in a while, and I'm not sure why. I mean, it's nothing like when I first came back and I wrote that post here that was partially lost and i was just...meh don't feel like talking about it, remembering it non-linguisticly (this being TOTALLY the essence of thought, btw, and sapir and whorf can go play alone in the corner) was hard enough. But yeah, its not that bad, but whenever i have a quiet-type moment where my active thoughts die down, i get all flashbacky but not in the good flashbacky way but in the way that makes me pretty sad...not that being sad is all that bad, actually. but then i go to my computer looking for comfort and it doesnt really provide any. not much, anyway. not like when i could stand in the swaying circles with tricia on one side of me and stephen or alyssa on the other and it felt like they were holding me up and it didn't matter if i was sad for missing other things or people because they made me happy. but i can't really get that now, because the wonderful huggable people i have with me aren't ctyers and aren't even with me when i'm sitting here alone at night, and the wonderful ctyer people who get what i mean aren't within hugging range. *sigh* so I sit here online s four hours of almost-helpful conversations, and i watch the chats, and i deprive myself of sleep looking for whatever it is that my beloveds give me, but I don't ever find it, more than a hint of it, and so i and up leaving in exhaustion and anger at aim and its empty promises. I really do hate aim, as much as it often makes me happy...it never feels like real communication, but it's just close enough to keep me hooked. the bastard. anyway, i'm going to think about leaving this silly machine, i guess. i don't think i'll read over this post, which i usually do, so i wonder what it'll look like tomorrow or whenever.
Ihr fehlen mir.
1:04 AM
Donnerstag, Dezember 11, 2003
i was feeling kind of homesicky-sad in chem today, and tattooed myself with pertinent lines from canon songs all over my legs and left arm. It actually kind of made me feel better, in an accepting-the-fact-that-I'm-sad kind of a way, though I had to spend the rest of the day explaining that i had not, in fact, been cheating on some test or other. I think we grow prouder of this 'we are a community of cheaters' business every day.
track was superfun, though i didnt get to lift with my usual lifting posse. I did shot instead which was fun but also a little frustrating because, face it, I will never be any good at putting that dang-blasted shot. upper body strength and quickness = not my strong points. ah well. Kristi and I went out to dinner again after practice, and this time we actually went to a restaurant instead of getting food from stop and shop and eating in my car :D. It was muchly fun. Time trials tomorrow. I'm not going to worry about 'em too much, but I'd like to get a nice-ish time in. *sigh* we'll see what the running gods have in store for me this season.
7:39 PM
Mittwoch, Dezember 10, 2003
so amanda and i are very definitely becoming addicted to the weight room...and to FAILURE. I am seriously unsure of how I'm going to be able to get out of bed or sit down/stand up at all tomorrow, as by then my legs, abs, _and_ arms will all have been rendered useless. the three funniest and saddest moments of the afternoon: trying to do a pushup and FAILING on the way down on the first one, getting to the last excersise of the ab workout and being unable to do any more of it than a pathetic upside-down-bug-like writhing, and trying to do some abs on the roman chair and NOT BEING ABLE TO HOLD OURSELVES UP because our arms were so tired. I have patented the "fall down sideways" method of lowering myself without the use of arms or abs...it's qutie amusing, but then the laughing hurts my abs so there's really no way around the pain
...and we LIKE IT
ps dont let me freak you out this is only SEMI serious *wink* (as if i ever winked...)
6:37 PM
Dienstag, Dezember 09, 2003
huh, that entry looks much sadder than I actually am. worry not for me. well, worry not for my currnet momentary happiness/discontent, at least. if you want to join the worrying-for-my-academic-future team, I'm sure my parents will find you an opening. *crooked grin*
11:40 PM
knitting club rushes toward existence, we did such an intense leg workout today i feel i may not be able to walk (let alone skate...) manana, i'm getting a c- in spanish (laugh at life with me, please, to keep me from crying), Christmas shopping is fun but oh-so-tiring, I bought a pretty new dress (possible to wear to Christina's??) for 30 bucks in forever 21 (yay), I'm tired, and I miss just about everyone, though i guess there are a few of y'all i've been seeing a decent amount of. not a very great percentage of those i'd like to be seeing, though *sigh* jetzt schlafe ich.
11:38 PM
Samstag, Dezember 06, 2003
being stuck inside with almost no human contact all day has put me in an unusual mood...unusual, I guess, because I would expect it to come from lying around all day being with people, rather than from lying around all day being alone. It's a good mood though...content and love-filled. I wish I had someone around to hug; not like an i'm sad cheer me up kind of hug, just an i'm happy celebrate the universe with me kind of a hug. I could go upstairs and hug mommy, but I feel like the upstairs is running in a mode entirely different from mine right now, and it would shatter my current high to go up there and hear the tvs and have to talk and things. I think I'll go read the scarlet letter. ich liebe euch a very lot.
10:21 PM
Freitag, Dezember 05, 2003
Oh, and Jenny told me what I said the other day when i was leaving the spanish classroom, and it turns out I was much funnier/more powerful than i was aware of being. storming out of a class doesnt usually work out that way, so this is quite reassuring to hear.
...execpt I'm not sorry at all
11:24 PM
hee I just had erin over for a night of college searching. sad, i know, but we had fun. I color-coded. Erin took notes. I pretended Erin was pregnant and made fun of her for it. she gave me the dgsqs (just decided that 'dirty girl scout quiet sign' needs an abbreviation) a lot.
I love the contradiction of this whole blog business...I only REALLY write this because I like having a way to remember the way I was thinking at a given time and because it gives me an excuse to sit down and ponder/figure out stuff, but I would never write it if it didn't have at least the potential for an audience. Then I go and wish I could talk about things I can't talk about because of who might read them, but of course I could just type them in word or write on real paper/a real journal if that mattered enough to me. Maybe that's why letters work so well: you have a (nearly) guaranteed audience, but you have a very small set of restrictions on what you'll be willing to talk about compared with the set required when everyone on your buddy list is a potential reader. I guess the only problem with letters as a form of diarying/recorded (semi-organized?) thinking is that you have to pay attention to whether you're interesting the other person, which i more or less ignore on the blog, and that it's a means of ordinarier communication and not just the communication of mental processes. not that this blog doesnt have some of the same properties, i guess...*shrug* letters still light up my life.
11:20 PM
Donnerstag, Dezember 04, 2003
I tried hurdling today. It's always been my secret ambition to run the 300 hurdles...I dunno if I'll keep it up, but it machte Spass.
6:09 PM
goodnight, beloveds, I suppose its been a good day. Cindy and Jen have their licenses, which is self-evidently awesome...I got Mrs. Kenny to send me to the dean, which was kind of fun, though i am considering being annoyed with myself for having it happen on such non-righteous anger...I wasn't really even that mad at senora; I just didn't feel like apologizing to her. Oh well...I guess I can still take one more opportunity to chat with dean farnan (who, by the way, confessed that he loves still being called 'dean'...that makes me kind of sad, somehow) if some really just cause presents itself later on.
I really hope today will have been my last fling with all of the foolish things I do between seasons...I absolutely can't afford to stay up this late, and having school french fries for lunch was not a good idea. who knows-with a little luck and some running-induced discipline, I may even start doing my homework again
I described my actions to tricia yesterday as external processing, i think. I kind of like what I feel that meaning, and I wonder how true a concept it is. I wonder if I would consider writing here or in a real journal-type-thing to be processing life internally or externally. hmmm. i am sad that I let myself stay up this late. *resists the urge to say "bad maggie" because when you already have a dog name you should't make it worse if you can avoid it*
1:08 AM
Dienstag, Dezember 02, 2003
I just realized that I really _want_ to stay up late...like, I don't have any absolutely pressing homework that'll require it, or even that will require the quiet of the house that comes from lateness of up-staying, but I'm really craving that quiet/solitude, that feeling of having the run of the house as long as i stay relatively quiet...strange and self-destructive tendencies, i have. *sleepyish smile*
10:03 PM
'sbeen a while, hasn't it? and not for any really good reason, except that i've been hiding from my own computer and i couldnt remember my password up here...I'm not going to bother to comment on the end of xc, or minnesota, or my academic nightmare, or anything much at all. But the reunion was fun beyond funness and I had my first day of indoor today and i feel so happy and excited and under control and capable and focused and unafraid of my responsibilities in the way that only being in season will make me. life is really weird and I love it. of course, i am really weird and i love me, so it kind of figures. the only sad thing about the reunion was that it made me miss my beloved marylanders and idaho(-er? -ian? -ite???) as well as my hall and all other ctyers past, but that's okay...part of life, i guess.
8:44 PM
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